Nicole Scherzinger

By guest blogger @PFPTMillsy

FHM Top Totty!

Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger, or Nicole Sherbetdibdab, is probably best known for being one of the warbling, high stepping gusset-flashers, The Pussycat Dolls, who in turn are probably best known for their shocking grammar and spelling with hits “Don’t Cha” and “Stickwitu”. And for gusset flashing.

That's a whole lot of gusset.

Nicole Shroedingerscat was just like Geri Halliwell, in that she broke fans hearts by leaving her girl group to go solo. She was also known as the talent of said group, so there the comparison with any of the Spice Girls ends. We can, however, compare Nicole Slazengertennisracquet with another FHM top totty mime artist, Cheryl Cole.

Like our home grown chav-done-good, Nicole first found fame (and a stylist) by winning a series of the reality talent vacuum, Popstars, as part of a revolutionary “girl” band format and then quickly made it her life’s ambition to rise through the ranks of pop tartlets to the top of the cultural dung heap, and, like Chezza, sit at Simon Cowell’s right hand, pretending to care about half-baked sob stories and grinning inanely through endlessly butchered Whitney Houston covers on prime time. The very pinnacle of musical ambition.

In her personal life, Nicole Shawaddywaddy had a famous dalliance with handsome-yet-dull go-kart driver Lewis Hamilton, who caused her to break off the relationship when he finally admitted that he didn’t know how to spell her name and that he actually thought the ginger one in Pussycat Dolls was the hottest (possibly).

Nicole showing the X Factor boys how it's done.

She is currently kept busy grooming the young boys of X Factor, much to Louis Walsh’s chagrin, but what biscuit does Nicole Zingerburger nibble on while dreaming of how things might have been if she’d said “yes” to Fergie’s sweaty-crotched place in The Black Eyed Peas line up? (true story) Let’s find out, thanks to @hoppythehag’s fine investigative skills.

There we have it. As with X Factor judging, as with biscuits; there’s love for all, but the sickly sweet nutty one wins.

The Peanut Butter Cookie - sickly, sweet, winner.

If you feel so inclined, you can follow Nicole on Twitter here.