Derren Brown

By guest blogger @LumpyGusset

Darren Brown. (DERREN! Ed) (Photograph by Gary Moyes)

"You’ve spelt his name wrong. Again!” I said to my wife the other day as I was looking through her 'People we would allow each other to have sex with if we were dead' list.  "It’s not Darren, its Derren”, I said, exasperated.  

In fairness to my wife, when you type in the name 'Derren' into MS Word, it comes up with a squiggly red line under it, signifying it, (for those of you not as technical as me), as a miss-spelled word.  It even suggests 'Darren' as a proper alternative when you spell check it.  Nevertheless, she has this irritating habit of pismronouncing* words or as I affectionally call it, being a bit thick.  Either way she needs to get her finger out and work on her social skills.  And her personal hygiene too, for that matter.  Jeepers, she stinks.  Do NOT get me started.  And her mother . . .  Fuck me!  But I digress. 

“It’s Derren” I said; "NOT Darren".  And who were we talking about?  Yes the ONLY Derren that ANYBODY knows: Derren Brown the popular 'psychological illusionist' and TV trickster, the one with the uncanny talent for 'mind control'.  Don't worry though, there’s nothing sinister about his ability to 'control' human behaviour. For instance, when I tried to blame him for me urinating in the wardrobe after a night on the piss, my wife refused to hold HIM accountable for MY behaviour, saying: “You can sleep in the spare room you fat, disgusting pig”; adding “There are times when you truly make me physically sick!”

But enough about that fucking yeti in knickers. Derren’s achievements are many: his first TV show, Derren Brown: Mind Control, aired in 2000 and was followed by Trick of the Mind. He also writes books, (which are probably being sold on Amazon.  I would imagine).  His accolades include a Laurence Olivier Award for Best Entertainment Show and a Silver Rose d’Or for Variety Act.

Darren 'mind controlling' the Olivier Awards judges. (It's DERREN - Ed)

He also draws and paints.  Faces mainly. He describes himself as a “prominent sceptic and a pronounced atheist”.  This means he is not sure about some things, but we DO know what he IS sure about though, yup, what his favourite biscuit is!  And the biscuit in question?  In true Derren 'mind control' Brown fashion, it’s not straight forward, it’s a combination of traditional and modern. A biscuity chimera if you like, as our @hoppythehag found out:

(Editors note: We have included the entire tweet conversation below because of it being fucking funny)

Darren's choice: Chocolate Shortbread. The chimera of the biscuit world.
(IT'S DERREN FFS HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT -Ed)

Post script:

@hoppythehjag’s tweet from Derren is somewhat of a coup as, on his own website he bleats: “Please do bear in mind that between doing tours, television shows, interviews, painting, writing and occasionally sleeping, Derren does not get very much time for correspondence so please don’t take it personally if a reply isn’t always returned from him”.  

So well done Hoppy x

Hoppy The Hag

*Honours to Ronnie Barker